Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You Might Also Like
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
seems fine
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.