There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.