bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
This is my brand.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
step 6: release the wall snake
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!