Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?