[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.