Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once