Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?