My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?