Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids