The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Okay, I’m still confused…
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Bringing home a sharpie
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”