Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.