[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
never forget
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.