“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Clients after you give them your rates
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.