I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.