Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The internet is full of many things
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob