The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*