I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wasps: bees, but not helping
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum