Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I hate my earbuds.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.