Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”