I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Stop sending me this shit.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Found the job I’m suited for
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.