Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I鈥檒l take the job
Willy Wonka:
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it鈥檚 hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here鈥檚 a song from 2005 I鈥檓 gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!