If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
You Might Also Like
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
🐕🍷
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them