I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug