[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’ve had worse
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions