This meeting could have been a cake
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
🖤✌🏽
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD