My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
When news reporters do sports stories
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone