Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: I really need to save money
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