If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My god she’s good.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
The French cow says MEUX…
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*