5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
We’ve come full circle
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
What even happened today?