i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
That was easy.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.