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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?