*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Based Erika
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no