Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.