COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint