So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!