I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
This is my brand.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?