It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID