Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Many hands make light work
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.