[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
This meal prepping shit is easy
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you