Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.