YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.