Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again