*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”