Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered