Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The 6 types of sex
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.