ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Oh the world we live in…
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Worth remembering.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)