hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: I don鈥檛 want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Tik Toks be like here鈥檚 a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don鈥檛 have to copy that part.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you鈥檙e drunk?
Me: Oh it鈥檚 awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON鈥橳 EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I鈥檓 perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I鈥檓 calling Santa.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don鈥檛 touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.