Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids