it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Hello Twits.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The dark side of Canada
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.