I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You Might Also Like
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.